I have been lost.

Checking my face in the mirror every day, swearing at the newest imperfection welling up underneath my skin, red and ugly.

Furrowing my eyebrows at the fact they've become unruly and disheveled.

Running my fingers over the fringe of my lashes, questioning what could make them grow fuller.

But my homing beacon came yesterday in the most unlikely of forms.

Whatsapp - 1 New Notification

** Voice Note **

"Katy I am in a down spiral, I do not know what to do."

"Now I've got a funder, I've got a partner who wants to invest, and um, we're currently doing the final preps, and the due diligence to get that started but I was just thinking that this thing that we've spent all of our time building, with the way that the investment structure is set up, I would've liked to say that we would be able to put all our energy and effort, but because we are having less share in the investment, the only thing we'd be contributing is a bit of our labor and maybe some of the intellectual property of getting things together, but you know that stuff is not a big deal. And I was just thinking that if I start this, I'd be giving many years of my life into building this, so I don't even know if I want to be doing this in this way because it's just so demotivating to be working in a company set-up where most of it will be going to the people who are investing, and I'm losing most of the equity in that.

So you know I felt like every time I keep trying to find ways to do what I do, it just gets more and more difficult, so I don't know, I've never been this frustrated in my life about not knowing what to do."

Followed by a selfie of the sender, with the caption:

"Look, another youth that got tricked by Babylon. Another youth has fallen victim to Babylon stinking system."

Oh, how my heart felt... 💔

Babylon and Zion - Rastafari

I was introduced to the idea of Rasta in late 2022 with this video:

Rastas, as members of the movement are called, see their past, present, and future in a distinct way. Rastas “overstand” (rather than understand) people of African descent in the Americas and around the world to be “exiles in Babylon.” They believe that they are being tested by Jah (God) through slavery and the existence of economic injustice and racial “downpression” (rather than oppression). Looking to the New Testament book of Revelation, Rastas await their deliverance from captivity and their return to Zion.

A lot of the terms and concepts that comes from Rasta draws from larger biblical terms and history, but within Rasta, the two main contrasting themes have their own unique definitions to explain larger concepts that tie in the state of the world, and a vision of equality and peace for all.

Babylon:

From a Rastafari perspective, Babylon is the historically white-European colonial and imperialist power structure which has oppressed Blacks and other peoples of color.

"The oppressing and exploiting system of the materialistic modern world and a place of evil."

Slavery. Capitalism. Notions of racial superiority. Poverty. Violence. Police Brutality. Injustice. All these systems, imposed or exacerbated by historically colonialist ideas pushed on to "subordinate peoples" that continue to persist in the world, these are all Babylon.

Zion:

The literal definition of Zion in Rastafari is symbolic place in Africa where Heaven and Earth unite, but the concept of Zion is a much larger idea, very separate from the idea of Zion under the Judaic context.

If I were to summarize it, many modern Rastas view it as:

A state of spiritual enlightenment that dissects and fights back against the forces of Babylon to reach a utopian society of equality, peace and freedom, liberation and unity.

Lunch with Rastas On the Beach

Rastas around the world get bad reps, lazy, weed-smokers, dirty, dreads, but when I understood the philosophy, and saw how the belief system pushes people to question why they are subjects to a larger oppressive force that is present and well in the modern day, not some ancient past, and more importantly, pushes people to overcome it despite the odds, I instantly felt drawn to it.

African-ish

My skin oscillates between cream hues and cafe-o-lait browns depending on the seasons, but I have spent a lifetime trying to justify myself in a world that sees only black and white. Frustrations arise particularly because I am the product of a dirty history that has stripped me of a

UnveiledMalaïka

I am obviously biased, as I am a direct product of the dirty history that has plagued African peoples for over 4 centuries now, so these Afro-centric philosophies hit me harder than some. But after so many days of feeling crumpled and desperate knowing my family in the Democratic Republic of Congo struggles to feed themselves some days, while I watch others complain endlessly about not having the newest version of the iPhone, to know that this is real, this is Babylon, not a fictionalized struggle in my head.

From there came power from within.

While I had introduced myself to the ideas of Rastafari in late 2022, I did not encounter Rastas personally until a year later in October of 2023. I had moved to Gambia temporarily for a reforestation project, and spent most of my time on the coast.

And while Gambia is a majority Muslim country (96.4% of the population), there still exists a strong and vibrant Rasta community within the coastal areas. It is not uncommon to run into hip long-dreaded men walking around the streets of the greater Gambian-Serrekunda area.

And soon I fell into an unexpected daily cadence of Gambian life. Often times during my long walks on the beach, dreaded juice sellers and small hut-cafe owners would usher me into seats saying:

"Sister! Come please, spend some time with us. It would be a blessing."

And although the first time this happened to me, I was hesitant, afraid I was about to be harassed or ushered into some weird scammy scheme, by the end of my time in Gambia I found myself happily plopping myself in the chairs they'd pull out for me.

"Sister, here is some juice, come sit, tell me sister where are you from?"

And I'd find myself talking about life, passion, struggle with these humble dreaded men who would unreservedly offer smiles and infinite hospitality at no cost, or expectation.

There were two encounters in particular that stuck with me:

Encounter 1 - Random Hut by the Beach ( I forgot his name 😭)

Coffee Man (Man with long dreads and a scraggly tank top): "Hello my sister, where are you going? Do you have a moment? Come sit with us, I will get you a coffee."

And so I walked in to the hut to sit next to another man fully clad in his construction uniform who was sipping on his own coffee, as the man who had invited me ran out to go pick up a coffee from somewhere.

Construction man: ** Nod ** (Sits in silence drinking coffee)

So I respected the comfortable silence while we waited for our other friend to bring me a cup too.

Soon enough running in through the hut gate...

Coffee Man: "Sister, here you are, I had to get the cup from my neighbor. Sister where are you from? What are you doing here in Gambia?"

And so I explained a little bit about myself while I sipped.

Coffee Man: "It is so nice you have come to sit with us, we appreciate you here, you know we are like this, on our off moments we come and we sit together we spend time like this. It's valuable, important, my friend here he works for the electricity company and it's hard work, dangerous, but we support each other and he comes here to be with me in his off time."

Construction/Electricity man: ** Nod ** (Sits in silence and takes another sip)

Coffee man and I naturally fell into a conversation about accountability and personal responsibility for our communities, talking about how if we wait for higher-ups to do things we will be waiting forever.

Coffee Man: "My heart goes out to the children here, look around, they have nothing, no toys, some don't go to school because their parents cannot afford it. They just run around and have no activities, nothing to keep them busy, but I am trying to make some money with this café to buy concrete to make a small amphitheater for them, so that they can act, they can speak, they can play here."

And he waved his arm over to a halfway finished semi-circular stairway of concrete a ways behind the hut we were sitting in.

Coffee Man: "We must do it ourselves if we wish to see change."

Encounter 2 - Bob at Bob's Café

In the usual way I tended to run into these rasta men, I was walking somewhere when two men sitting in plastic chairs starting waving at me and ushering me over to them.

The Men: "Sister come! Why such a rush?"

And so I sat and as per usual found myself diving into deep discussions with people I had just met 5 minutes ago.

One of the men introduced themselves as Bob himself, the owner of the Cafe.

Bob: "We play reggae here because reggae is like our scripture. Scripture is not accessible to everyone because many can't read, but music? Everyone can understand if it's in music, we can hear what they are saying.

Reggae teaches us about the system, about peace and suffering. It makes us ask how do we fight these things? How do we make good in the world, try to be good people, how to be peaceful. With Reggae we can meditate, we can think, we can ask ourselves are we doing the right things? I am called Bob because Bob Marley is my preacher, my prophet."

The Pain

My friend's message left me in such a state of anger and frustration that I found myself with tears welling up in my eyes. I don't wish to reveal too many details out of respect of his privacy, but he is an African environmentalist that has spent the entirety of his life trying to promote environmentalist grassroots movements that are African-led for African issues. His entire goal in life has been to create independent projects that he and his people have the largest stake in.

But time and time again, we find ourselves falling to the pressures of it all.

Having been close friends with him for years now, I understood firsthand how depressed and exasperated he must've felt with the news he was sharing with me.

I found myself sending him voice messages on the verge of screaming:

"This is literally the white man's shackles, the world operates under these frameworks, this is not to fault you in any way because this is not you, this is how things work, they always have us looking for their help because we always need money, money, money, money, and we come from places where they have purposely robbed us, it's a cycle and the ways they try to victim-blame us and make us look like we are the ones who are the perpetrators of our own issues, and while yes of course we need accountability where it is due, but even for those of us who are trying to fix things are always falling back into their trap. In an ideal world if you have an idea and ambition and intention, you should be able to go out there and gather whatever "capital" you need from the community, from yourself, from the people around you. Why do we always have to find ourselves vying for these white people to give money to us so that they can go feel good about these projects they're supposedly helping us with while they get to go sit in their fancy cars and fancy houses, buy their luxury goods while we're out here asking them for money. It should be owned by you, it should be owned by your own people."

And while this may seem harsh, and I could try to be more diplomatic about how I phrase this, I'll be honest, in my current frustration, I don't really fucking care, I'm so mad of being as much of a representation of this oppressive system as I am a victim of it. I am furious, and I cry about it often, and I've punched walls in the injustice of it all, because I feel deeply, and I feel pain.

Babylon.

Reggae as Scripture

I felt guilt as my friend had reached out to me in an attempt to boost his esteem, to spark a glimmer of hope in the darkness of it all. And instead I found myself just screaming at the frustrations he already knew all too well.

So I thought to turn to a source of power.

Lead us all the way
Almighty Father
Like a bridge through time
A bridge through time
Lead us, Almighty Father

For it is just a reflection
About we life in a the system
And how to fulfill the mission
For unto us it was given
Humanity must be the keeper
Of all there is above and under
Instead an unrightful ruler
Misbeliever and deceiver

Lead us all the way, Almighty Father
Like a bridge through time
Like a bridge through time
For it is just a reflection
About we life ina the system
And how to fulfill the mission
For unto us it was given

Most a eat the fruit, only few recognize the tree
They wanna reap the food before they even touch a seed
Most a never care fi know, just follow and believe
Dem wanna be the root but dem a way up in the leaf
Remember how the fruit a what a go come last
Only care fi di profit, dem a wanna go fast
Never feed the soil but a build spacecraft
Neva tend fi di garden, only mash up and blast

For it is just a reflection
About we life in a the system
And how to fulfill the mission
For unto us it was given
Humanity must be the keeper
Of all there is above and under
Instead, an unrightful ruler
Misbeliever and deceiver

Lead us all the way, Almighty Father
Like a bridge through time
Like a bridge through time

For in the last days
Men will be lovers of themselves
And with their false ways
Anything they can, they will sell
Yes, they will turn away
From the creator of all things

Yes, they will fade away
In greediness, envy, and sin
First will be the last and the last will be the first
And the heavens will appear to be under the earth
Most will see a blessing when it is but a curse
Dem a see say something better when all a go get worse
Looking in a nature me see only perfection
Read it as a scripture no need no translation
Life on the planet a divine intervention
Bless everything every part of creation
Why humanity suffer, everlasting question?
Why some a go slay in a the name of religion?
Brother, tell me what is the reason?
For this is just a reflection

For it is just a reflection
About we life in a the system
And how to fulfill the mission
For unto us it was given
Humanity must be the keeper
Of all there is above and under
Instead, an unrightful ruler
Misbeliever and blasphemer

Lead us all the way, Almighty Father
Like a bridge through time
Man a bridge through time

I say the people of Handsworth (Ooh)
Knows that one hand wash the other, so they say
So let's join hands my bredren
Make the way for our children (our children, our children)
And their children (their children, their children)

Ensuring that they get life's fair share of
Equality
Doesn't justice stand for all
Doesn't justice stand for all
Doesn't justice stand for all mankind
We find society putting us down
Crowning us, crowning us, crowning us, crowning us
A place of Evil, oh, oh
Handsworth means us the Black People
Handsworth means us the Black People
We're talking now, speaking Jah Jah language!

It's a long, long way we're coming from

To send this message across, across
Its been hidden, forbidden, concealed, unrevealed
Its got to come out In the open that

Babylon is falling
Babylon is falling
It was foolish to build

It on the sand
Handsworth shall stand, firm, like Jah rock
Fighting back
We once beggars are now choosers
No, no intention to be losers
Striving forward with ambition
And if it takes ammunition

We rebel in Handsworth revolution
Handsworth revolution
Handsworth revolution (Yeah yeah)
Handsworth revolution (Handsworth revolution)

Dread town, dread town, dread town
Dread town, dread town, dread town

Dread we are for a cause
Deprived of many things
Experienced phoney laws
Hatred Babylon brings
We know what you got to offer
We know what's going on
Don't want no favours
'Cause there is still hunger
Innocent convicted
Poor wage, hard labour
Only Babylon prospers
And humble suffer
They are brothers in south of Africa
One black represent all, all over the world
Can't bear it no longer
Blessed with the power
Of Jah creator
We will get stronger
And we will conquer
And forward ever, and backward never, revolution

Handsworth Revolution

Now you see the tables dem a turning

Temperatures are on the rise

Now you see the tides dem a shifting

Yes, the people realize

Now you see the lift of the veil as to revelation is the time

Now you see the signs that a showing

And you got to read between the lines

Many of us a felt it from a young age

Man a speak about the dawning of a new age

We never knew what the time or the place would be

But still the sense of revelation was alive in we

A feeling that we were about to witness

A major shift in planetary consciousness

Like a feeling that the tables were about to turn

See like we soon go reach a point of no return

The vision and the courage him a placed in we

Place we faith by the feet of the almighty

Give we life for the mother that a feed we

All is in we hands even if time is against we

Brotherman you haffi trust in da vision

In this life we a go reach a higher region

Cuz you know to the father we a legion

Time to set all intentions ina motion

Now the time is on we all a feel it

If a change a come is only we can make it

They may take away the body and the dignity

But they'll never break the spirit of integrity

Since all has been said, put we words ina acts

Would you rather stay put and suffer the facts?

Whatever we do cannot revive the past

How many more muss a suffer before we go react?

Face down ina dung but some still nah smell

Reason why dem still follow must a be a spell

I prefer to fall defending the truth

Than to rise up ina morning and follow the news

Some a think them free but a lock up ina cell

See dem bredda get slew

Not even go ring a bell

Treat you fellow right, honor your family well

We together ina fight and must a live to tell

Whatever di dollar we a stronga dan dem

Whatever di media we out number dem

Whatever the rank Jah Jah still above dem

Nah go fear about dem, dem a covered in shame

Time to be strong for the land we a defend

Sovereignty we want and will get ina di end

All over the earth, yes, all across Jah land

Run a come gather round got a garden to tend

Finding My(Our)Selves

This morning I reached for my phone, pushed the volume on my speaker to the max and listened to those three songs. I took a deep breath, reached for one of my wraps and consciously started folding the cloth around my head.

What may seem like just a fashion choice, is a tool. A reminder. It is an act of rebellion.

I then took my phone and texted my friend:

Zion will come

Take your time, if you can detach, take a day or two off. Go back into the forest, see what you are trying to preserve with your life. Sit with the river, with your homeland, with the Earth. She will speak to you. Africa will speak to you. Take your time. That is the only recommendation I can give for now.

I must also thank you for reaching out to me.

I was in a bit of a lull in my life, which is natural to have at times these slower moments, but you sending me this has reminded me where I need to be, and where I need to be focusing energy in my life.

We can do this, we can do this.

We are strong. We are beautiful. We are so much more than they could ever imagine. We are rich in our minds, in our culture, in our countries, in our land.

Richer than they could ever dream of.

We can do this.

Zion is there, we can do it.

I walked to the bathroom mirror and looked at myself.

Child of both slaves and of slave-owners.

The state of my skin, lashes, and eyebrows now seemingly insignificant against the fact I do not know if they came from the former or the latter.

But I remind myself of the head-wrap fashioned over my head, just like my great-great-grandmother who held me so many years ago.

And I remember what I stand for once again.